Golf Jokes

What do you do while you hanging around waiting for that group in front to finish four putting!

Tell a golf joke!

Let’s start with one of my personal favorites.

A new member wanders over to the first tee looking for a game.

A young man is limbering up getting ready to start his round and agrees to pair up with him.

The young man tees off and smashes his driver 320 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. The new member is impressed and it takes a couple of shots to get his ball further down the hole.

To the astonishment of the new member, the young man shanks his ball into the woods. He then follows that up with a superb recovery shot within 6 feet of the pin.

The new member plays his ball up onto the green only to be amazed when the young man smacks his first putt 10 feet past before holing the return.

This behavior continues for several holes with the young man hitting one stupendous shot followed by an utterly disastrous one.

Eventually, the new member plucks up the courage to ask the young man what’s going on. The young man replies “oh, I’m just practicing for the mixed foursomes competition tomorrow”.

Hopefully, some of these will make you chuckle, you could even try them on your golf buddies.

Husbands and Wives

During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives.

From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, “Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?”

A man walks through the front door of his home, clearly exasperated.

“I had a terrible round today,” he told his wife.

“Oh, no! What happened, honey?” she replied.

“Well,” he said, “I only hit two good balls — and that was when I stepped on a rake.”

What does a golfer like to hear from his wife?

“Talk birdie to me.”

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.

The man said to the dentist, “Doctor, I’m in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf.

So, forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.”

So, the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts.”

A couple had a whirlwind, 30-day romance and even though they don’t know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple of weeks, the husband says, “Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I’m a golf fanatic and I must play every day.”

“I also need to tell you something,” she replies. “I’m a hooker, and I need to do it every day.”

“That’s OK,” he said, “we’ll just play dog leg lefts.”

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.

Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin.

She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife, he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.” “Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two of them.”

Wife: You spend far too much time concentrating on golf! Do you even remember the day we got engaged?

Husband: Sure I do. It was the same day I shot even par.

“Bill” sits in the clubhouse bar thinking about his next extramarital affair. Deep in thought about the subject he absent-mindedly starts thinking allowed. “Not worth it” he muttered” never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk.”

A friend who was sitting close by at the time and overheard Bill’s words leaned across and said, “Come on Bill you knew what to expect when you took up golf.”

Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong.

He answered, “Well, on the 4th hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!”

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.

“There,” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday.” “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident, and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he’d be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized that he was cutting short what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf ever, so he decided to rush in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.

Suddenly, he remembered his poor wife, massive guilt struck him, so he rushed to the hospital.

When he finally arrived, he rushed up to the doctor, who was standing impatiently in the corridor, and asked about his wife’s condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You heartless bastard, you went ahead and finished your round didn’t you?”

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had.

“Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself mister, because while you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU and fighting for her life!

The doctor paused, “Well, I guess that it’s just as well that you went ahead and finished your round, because more than likely it will be the last one you’ll ever play.”

“Why?” the man, with tears of remorse streaming down his face, asked.

“Because for the rest of your wife’ life she will require ’round the clock care. She won’t be able to eat, move or speak. Furthermore, she won’t be able to control her bladder or bowel movements, so you sir will have to be her 24/7 caregiver for the next 30-years!”

The man was beside himself with guilt and grief, so he totally broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.

The doctor looked at the devastated man, and his scowl turned into a sly grin.

“Hey, chill out dude,” the doctor chuckled. “I’m just screwing with you. She died three hours ago. So what did you shoot?”

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.

“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”

“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”

A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage barn.

His friend said, “If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you’ll have a clear shot to the green.” So they opened the doors and the man took his shot. It rattled through the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on the head and killed her!

It was ten years before the man could get the courage to play the course again. Sure enough, he got to the same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the same storage barn.

The man he was playing with this time said, “If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you’ll have a clear shot to the green.” The man said, “I don’t think so. The last time I tried that, something terrible happened.” “What was that?” asked his friend. The man replied, “I got a seven!”

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any undies?” her husband demanded.

“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.

“Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no undies. Why not?”

She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet muddier of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?”

She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o Jesus, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

Mike and Bob had just finished the front nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. “Gee Mike, you’re just not your old self today, what’s the matter?” asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, “I think Mabel’s dead.” “Damn, that’s terrible,” said Bob, “You sat you ‘think’ your wife is dead. Aren’t you sure?” “Well,” responded Mike, “The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.”

Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best-ball match… wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation.

On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen-foot putt to win the match.

She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole… dead on line.

Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, “Right train, wrong ticket.”

The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, “No sleeper cars on that train either”

Golf Professionals

One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”

“You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”

Why does the golf pro tell you to keep your head down during lessons?

So you can’t see them laughing.

James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse. James asked the pro: “What do you think of my game?”

The pro replied: “You should shorten your clubs by 1 inch.”

James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.

To which the pro said, “No! It will help them fit in the trash can!”

A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?”

The man replied, “Fabulous, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”

Said the man: “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”

Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-

After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin, and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin.

A fan in the crowd said “Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?”

Mr. Palmer replied, “Do you own a 3 iron?”

The fan said, “Yes, sir I do.”

“How far do you hit it?” said Palmer. About 160 yards was his reply.

Palmer calmly said, “What the hell do you want it to back up for?”

Explanations and Definitions

Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

Fairway: An unfamiliar tract of closely mowed grass running from the tee to the green. Your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it

Why was Cinderella such a terrible golfer?

Her coach was a pumpkin.

Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course?

He was perfecting his swing.

Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?

He was puttering around.

In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… they shoot a “six”, yell “fore” and write “five”.

Golf: A 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments

There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a “Mulligan” which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scottish, “What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?”

“We call it cheating”

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”

The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

What should NASA do if it wants to find water on Mars?

Send a golfer there to hit a golf ball.

“I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!”

Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?

Clubbing.

The problem with slow groups is that they are always in front of you, and the fast groups are always behind you.

Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice

If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme putt”, you might want to reconsider this game.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

The best wood in most golfer’s bags is the pencil.

Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls.

If you do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot.

“I wish I could play my normal game… just once.”

The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul-it-again.”

A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well.

Golf’s a hard game to figure out. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?

FORE!

Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf?

On a golf corpse.

Oxymoron: An easy par.

I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break.

To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

Why do golf announcers whisper?

Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.

Why do golfers hate cake?

Because they might get a slice.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice … once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

What did Obi-Wan say to Luke Skywalker before he went out for his round of golf?

“May the fores be with you, Luke.”

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.

What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?

Fore-get Me Nots.

When is it too wet to play golf?

When your golf cart capsizes.

Have you ever wondered how the moon got craters?

Three words: Chuck Norris golfing.

Golfing is the idlest sport…

Can you imagine just kicking a white ball around all day long?

Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play baseball.

Golf is a lot like taxes… you go for the green and come out in the hole.

Why does Sir-Mix-a-Lot always chip the ball away from the flagstick?

He likes big putts and he cannot lie.

Did you hear about the two guys that met on the golf course?

It was the beginning of a beautiful friend-chip.

Mulligan: Invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 20-yard grounder.

What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club?

Harry Putter.

What do golfers do on their days off?

Putter around.

What are the primary components of a golfer’s diet?

A lot of greens and water.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

What’s the easiest shot in golf?

Your fourth putt.

What did the driver yell at the golf cart that cut him off?

Kiss my putt.

What is a golfer’s favorite bird?

Any birdie will do.

What did the sign above the golf club bar say?

“Don’t drink and drive. Don’t even putt.”

Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them?

In case they get a hole in one.

What do you call a monkey who wins the Masters?

The chimpion!

“Do you play off scratch?” said one player.

The other replied: “I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.”

If you golf on election day, make sure to cast an absent-tee-ballot.

Golf balls are like eggs.

They’re white.

Sold by the dozen.

And a week later you have to buy some more.

What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?

The Bogey.

An American citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round and is paired with three locals. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball.

He tells his playing partners that he is taking a mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway.

With a big smile, he asks the others, “In the States, we call that a mulligan. What do you call it here in Ireland?” After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, “Hitting three.”

Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?

A golf course!

Which actress is incredible at golf?

Minnie Driver.

What did Nat King Cole sing after he won a round of golf?

Un-fore-gettable, in every way.

What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?

The Bogeyman.

What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?

When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly… or start cheating.

A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked a question.

“Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor.

“P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.

“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”

Caddies

Golfer: I would move both heaven and earth to get a birdie today.

Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve moved most of the earth already today.

A fellow caddy and I recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed, “I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?” My friend the caddy replied, “There are plenty worse than you sir but they all quit playing years ago.”

Golfer to caddie: “Why do you keep looking at your watch? I find it very distracting.”

Caddie: “It’s not a watch, sir – it’s a compass.”

After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.

He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”

The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”

A hacker was playing so badly that his caddie was getting increasingly exasperated. On the 11th, his ball lay about 160 yards from the green and as he eyed up the shot, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 4-iron?”

“Eventually,” replied the caddie, wearily.

A golfer was having a terrible round — 20-over par for the front nine with scores of balls lost in water or rough. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it.

“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.

“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Weather

I play in the low 80’s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

A golfer standing at a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.

MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows. The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys. Finally, MacDermott spoke, “That was quite a round of golf.”

“Aye,” MacDuff replied. “Same time next Saturday?”

“Aye,” said MacDuff, “weather permitting.”

Religion

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn’t want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other than himself. Well, the man thought about it for a while and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, “It’s simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees!”

Father O’Malley was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter “Hoover!” under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O’Malley’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!” He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “HOOVER!!!!”

By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said “Hoover.”

The Father replied, “It’s the biggest… dam I know.”

A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard “Fore!” and a ball slammed into his back. Soon, the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.

“Thank goodness, Father!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I’ve hit my first holy one!”

There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three-foot putt and says, “Goddammit, I missed.”

The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two-foot putt and says again, “Goddammit, I missed.”

The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him.

Then on the next hole he misses a one-foot putt and says, “Goddammit, I missed.”

All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, “Goddammit, I missed.”

An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, “St. Peter, where is the golf course?”

“I’m terribly sorry,” replies St. Peter, “but that’s one thing we don’t have here.”

The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer’s rejection of heaven.

“This way, sir,” says the devil, “the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia.”

The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he’d rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package. “So,” he says to the devil, “why don’t you go get me some clubs and balls and I’ll have the game of my after-life.”

“I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have any.”

“What?” says the man. “No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?”

“No, sir,” says the devil fiendishly, “that’s the hell of it.”

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, “I have four sons, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!” The Catholic pooh-poohed that accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.” To which the Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course!”

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.” “I guess not,” said Fred, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?”

After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his position — and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke — he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him.

When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing before him. “Am I dead?” he asks.

“Yes, my son,” replies St. Peter, who looks the man over and notices his clubs.

“I see you’re a golfer,” St. Peter says. “Are you any good?”

“Hey, I got here in two, didn’t I?”

“You’re late on the tee, John.”

“Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”

“Okay, but why are you so late?”

“I had to toss it 15 times!”

A friend of Henry’s dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is.

“Henry,” he says, “you won’t believe it, but there is golf in Heaven.”

“That is wonderful!” Henry replies.

“Don’t be so thrilled,” his friend tells him. “You have a tee-off time scheduled for Saturday.”

Jesus and Moses are playing golf in Heaven when they come to the par-3 17th hole, a long carry over water to an island green. Moses tees off with a 3-wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5-iron and says, “I’m going to hit a 5-iron because Arnold Palmer would hit a 5-iron from here.”

Jesus tees it up and hits a lofted iron shot that finishes 25 yards short of the green and in the water.

Jesus turns to Moses and says, “How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?”

Moses says, “No way. You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Arnold Palmer fantasy and I’m not going to be a party to it!”

Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in. Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water.

One of them asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”

Moses turns and says, “No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”

Best of the Rest

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I’d give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow swished its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough, there was the ball. I called out to the lady, ‘Ma’am, does this look like yours?’ And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!”

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise golfers to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.

They say that it’s also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity on the courses. They recommend that golfers be educated so that they can recognize the difference between a Black bear and Grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain remains of nuts, berries, and possibly squirrel, rabbit, or gopher fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf gloves, sunglasses, and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray.

Hear the one about the bad-tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade clubs? After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!”

I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up, and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. “Why don’t you hit an old ball?” I asked. He responded, “I’ve never had an old ball.”

Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.”

Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by one stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball; you look over there,” he says to Nick.

After five minutes, neither has had any luck. Since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Nick looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!” Nick says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they’d be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.

When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.

She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin — but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie. She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. “You know,” she said, “this is a very special day for me. I’ve always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there’s thirty minutes of the best sex you’ve ever had in your life in it for you!”

Well, the first man ran over and said, “You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5-inches above the cup.”

The second man pushed him out of the way and said, “No way! I’ve had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10-inches high of the cup.”

The third man walked up and said, “Don’t listen to either of them.” He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme!”

One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.”

Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?”

John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can’t get out of here with a seven.

John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Neither man trusted the other’s arithmetic. One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,”What’d you have?

Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. “Six!” he said and then hastily corrected himself – ” No, no…. a five.”

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud “Eight!” “Eight?” Bob said, “I couldn’t have had eight.”

John said, “Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven.”

“Then why did you mark down eight?” asked Bob.

John told him, “One stroke penalty, for improving your lie.”

Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no mulligans, improving their lies, etc. After a few holes, one guy’s ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, “We agreed that we would not improve our lie.”

No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.

To the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings, he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6-feet from the pin.

“Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?” The man answered, “I used YOUR 7-iron!!!!!”

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!”

Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!” Mike had had enough. He shouted, “Would the horse’s ass in the clubhouse with the loudspeaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!”

Richard Nixon was never much of a golfer.

He played a little when he was vice president mostly because Eisenhower was so passionate about the game.

Once during his own presidency while at Camp David, he ran into Henry Kissinger. ” I scored 126,” he said

“That’s very good, your golf is certainly improving,” said Kissinger.

“I was bowling, Henry,” Nixon replied.

Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers. They soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls.

After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less than eagles, birdies, and pars, they reach the 18th hole. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball. “Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green.”

The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup. “You wouldn’t believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win.”

The second guy responds, “You won’t believe it either, you just hit my ball.”

Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course. Mac putted out and walked back to the cart. As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.

The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner’s bare rear end was too much for the group playing behind the twosome. The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: “What was the bet?”

A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league day, he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.

After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries. He saw a beautiful woman walking nearby and he asked her, “Could you please do me a favor?”

“Sure,” she replied.

He went on to say, “I can’t reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away.” “Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?”

“No problem,” she replied.

When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, “Gee, what are these for?” He replied, “Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I’m driving.”

To which she commented, “Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything.”

A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. After his practice round, he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse. He went up to her, began talking, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night.

All through the night, they made wild love together. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. The man said, “Please don’t go. I love you and I want you to stay with me.” The woman replied, “You don’t understand…I’m a hooker.” The man said, “That’s no problem, you probably just have too strong a grip.”

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green when the man holes out a 20-foot putt; the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented!

What does he do if you miss a putt?” “Somersaults,” says the man. “Somersaults?” says the friend, “That’s incredible. How many does he do?” “Well,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”

An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in amazement. The golfer duffed his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes, and then took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.

Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game and they continued to observe the golfer. The golfer then skulled a shot into a bunker by the green. He then took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally onto the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.

At this point, the other alien told his partner, “Wow, now he is in serious trouble!”

A man got on a bus, with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

The blond looked at him compassionately and said, “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?”

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, inscribed with the lawyer’s name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, “That’s the first time I’ve ever had a lawyer buy the balls.”

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him.

Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.

When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.

“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” the golfer responded.

“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”

“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.

“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…

“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Jimmy had been playing for twenty years but never had a hole-in-one.

As he was blasting away in a sand trap one day and he voiced the thought. “I’d give anything to get a hole-in-one.”

“Anything?” came a voice from behind. Jimmy turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with horns and a tail.

“What did you have in mind?” Jimmy asked.

“Would you give up half your sex life?” asked the devilish figure.

“Yes, Yes I would.” Jimmy replied.

“It’s a deal then.” and the figure faded from sight.

On the very next hole, he did it!

The ball soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole for his first ever hole-in-one. And amazingly, he aced every other hole that he played the rest of the day!

At the end of the round, the figure in red appeared again. “Now for our bargain,” he said. “You remember you must give up half your sex life.”

Jimmy frowned. “That gives me a bit of a problem,” he said.

“You’re not backing out of this,” cried the figure. “We struck a bargain and you agreed to it.”

“Yes, of course. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life do you want … the thinking or the dreaming?”

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

“WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”

“I got it from my genie.”

“You have a genie?” the first guy asked.

“Yep, he’s right here in my golf bag.” He opens his golf bag and out pops a real genie.

The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master, will you grant me a wish?”

“Yes, I will,” the genie replies.

So the friend asks the genie for, “a million bucks.”

Done! The genie replied, hops back into the golf bag and leaves the golfers standing there waiting for the “million bucks.”

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and a million ducks envelop the golfers.

“Hey,” yells to the disappointed golfer. “I asked your genie for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

“Sorry,’ the other golfer replied, “He’s hard of hearing, and besides, do you really think that I’d ask a genie for a 12-inch BIC?”

A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset and sought out the farmer. “I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”

“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

The female golfer/therapist urged him to let him help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered a tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?

He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!”

After a 2-year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America’s recreational preferences: